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Wessed Up History Week in Review – 2/1/2010

February 2, 2010 Leave a comment

* Jan. 25, 1915: Alexander Graham Bell makes first transcontinental phone call, saying to Watson, “LOL! Wut?” Watson replies, “inorite.” Bell then runs out of minutes on his plan.
* Jan. 26: Happy Australia Day! It’s traditional to wear big fake kangaroo feet and yell “G’day!” at your co-workers.
* Jan. 27, 1606: Gunpowder Plot trial begins. Guy Fawkes proclaims: “Would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!”
* Jan. 28, 1968: Sarah McLachlan’s mother finally gives birth after nine months of umbilically channeled guilt-inducing visions of abused pets. Considered ending it in month six.
* Jan. 29, 1916: German blimps bomb Paris. Startled onlookers shout: “Oh, zee huge manatees!”
* Jan. 30, 1974: Christian Bale storms drunkenly out of the womb, shouting obscenities at nursing assistants.
* Jan. 31: It’s International Leprosy Day! Lend a hand. Or, you know, whatever…

Wessed Up History – Week in Review 1/25/2010

January 27, 2010 Leave a comment

Jan. 18, 1873: One dark and stormy night, the grave proved mightier than the pen for Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
Jan. 19, 1920: U.S. Senate votes against forming League of Nations, because Justice League of America sounds cooler and involves wearing capes.
Jan. 20, 1920: A sad clown with one red balloon rode a unicorn-unicycle around a melting maternity ward as Federico Fellini came into the world.
Jan. 21, 1884: Roger Baldwin, social activist and oldest Baldwin brother on record, is born. Credited with Alec’s comedic timing and Stephen’s heavy drinking.
Jan. 22, 1906: Hither came Robert E. Howard, the Texan, black-haired, sullen-eyed, pen in hand…
Jan. 23, 971: War elephants of the Southern Han are defeated by Song Dynasty “Mouse Brigade” trained rodents.
Jan. 24, 1947: Warren Zevon is born to a werewolf drinking pina coladas at Trader Vic’s. His hair? Perfect.

Wessed Up History: Week in Review 1/4

January 4, 2010 Leave a comment

* Dec. 28, 1922: Masked baby pops out of womb. First word after fanny slap: “EXCELSIOR!” Stan Lee even had the mustache back then.

* Dec. 29, 1947: Actor Ted Danson is born. His current hair, on the other hand, was shaved from a test tube chinchilla last week.

* Dec. 30, 1957: Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Mom’s womb, packing to leave. Awkwardly enough, so’s Al Roker.

* Dec. 31, 1960: UK stops using farthing coin as legal tender because bankers claim “nearthings” are cooler.

* Jan. 1, 1908: Tradition begins when New Yorkers drop a wrecking ball on a Times Square cab driver. Squire Larry King narrates.

* Jan. 2, 1860: Parisian scientists announce discovery of planet Vulcan. Spend rest of year practicing finger-splaying salute techniques.

* Jan. 3, 1924: Explorer Howard Carter pops open an Egyptian sarcophagus to find Abe Vigoda stashed neatly inside.