* Jan. 25, 1915: Alexander Graham Bell makes first transcontinental phone call, saying to Watson, “LOL! Wut?” Watson replies, “inorite.” Bell then runs out of minutes on his plan.
* Jan. 26: Happy Australia Day! It’s traditional to wear big fake kangaroo feet and yell “G’day!” at your co-workers.
* Jan. 27, 1606: Gunpowder Plot trial begins. Guy Fawkes proclaims: “Would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!”
* Jan. 28, 1968: Sarah McLachlan’s mother finally gives birth after nine months of umbilically channeled guilt-inducing visions of abused pets. Considered ending it in month six.
* Jan. 29, 1916: German blimps bomb Paris. Startled onlookers shout: “Oh, zee huge manatees!”
* Jan. 30, 1974: Christian Bale storms drunkenly out of the womb, shouting obscenities at nursing assistants.
* Jan. 31: It’s International Leprosy Day! Lend a hand. Or, you know, whatever…
Jan. 18, 1873: One dark and stormy night, the grave proved mightier than the pen for Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
Jan. 19, 1920: U.S. Senate votes against forming League of Nations, because Justice League of America sounds cooler and involves wearing capes.
Jan. 20, 1920: A sad clown with one red balloon rode a unicorn-unicycle around a melting maternity ward as Federico Fellini came into the world.
Jan. 21, 1884: Roger Baldwin, social activist and oldest Baldwin brother on record, is born. Credited with Alec’s comedic timing and Stephen’s heavy drinking.
Jan. 22, 1906: Hither came Robert E. Howard, the Texan, black-haired, sullen-eyed, pen in hand…
Jan. 23, 971: War elephants of the Southern Han are defeated by Song Dynasty “Mouse Brigade” trained rodents.
Jan. 24, 1947: Warren Zevon is born to a werewolf drinking pina coladas at Trader Vic’s. His hair? Perfect.