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Posts Tagged ‘Short Attention Span Reviews’

French archers can shoot?

May 16, 2010 Leave a comment

See, all this time I’d been led to believe that French archers couldn’t hit the broad side of a Jersey Shore resident.

But now, thanks to Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood, I’ve learned that a brandy-addled soup chef took up a crossbow and shot a stake into the neck of King Richard.

I’ve also learned that the director was a little fixated on phallic marker stones, watched Return of the King and  Braveheart a few too many times, and somehow decided to change the movie to Saving Private Marian in the end.

Overall, it gets a “meh.” Well made, but…meh.

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Iron Man blows up Epcot!

May 15, 2010 2 comments

Okay, apparently this makes me a bad person, but I liked Iron Man 2 more than the first – even though, true enough, I thought the first movie was awesome. On subsequent viewings, though, I find that the original Iron Man is sluggish in spots. I never felt like Iron Man 2 let up.

This is probably where the good and bad lines fall.

Stuff I liked: Mickey Rourke as Whiplash, but only when he didn’t use a full metal suit. Don Cheadle as Lt. Col. Rhodes. The little homage to Walt Disney and his old EPCOT promo videos. Scarlet Johannsen, the world’s greatest computer-generated actress! Pepper getting a promotion to run Stark Industries! The aerial battles!

Stuff I didn’t like so much: Sam Rockwell’s spray-on tan palms. Whiplash in the full metal suit. Pepper turning into a whiny failure as Stark Industries CEO.

Clash of the Plot Holes

April 2, 2010 6 comments

It would be easy for me to cut Clash of the Titans some slack. It’s a big, noisy, special effects extravaganza that doesn’t pretend to be rocket science. But if I

Clash of the Titans

give it a pass on that alone, then I have to do the same for Transformers. And I didn’t do the same for Transformers – those movies were much less than meets the eye. Sorry!

First, the movie gives us too many brunette women to keep track of. Seriously. When I first saw Io and then they cut to Perseus’ adopted mom, I thought they were the same woman. Then we’re introduced to Andromeda, another pretty brunette.

Second, my admiration for the decision to have Perseus refuse assistance from the gods faded even faster than Draco’s when that choice started getting people killed left and right. I mean, really. You’re fighting gods and you’re offered a tool of the gods: YOU USE IT. Damn your pride! (Especially when there doesn’t seem to be any complaining about the magical coin used to bribe the ferryman.)

Third, I’m guessing the script referred to the Medusa sequence as THE SCENE WHERE ALL EXTRANEOUS CHARACTERS ARE UNCEREMONIOUSLY DISMISSED FROM FURTHER PARTICIPATION IN THE FILM. Not terribly satisfying.

I liked the little nod to the original 1981 movie with the clockwork owl being held up (and then discarded). I enjoyed the combat sequences. I would’ve liked to see more machinations among the gods and goddesses, and less of the crazy half-naked bearded priest in Argos.

It’s big stupid fun, but the emphasis has to be on stupid.

Don’t jump, Alice!

March 6, 2010 1 comment

Visually, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is a feast. It’s got some neat moments here and there.

But.

But..

But…

Look, it was a mess. A jumbled tale that made a wreck of the lore – and if you didn’t even know the lore, it didn’t always make much sense. The White Queen and Red Queen are sisters, but one has chess pieces for soldiers and the other has playing cards? And the big showcase battle at the end takes place on an overgrown chessboard. And Crispin Glover is supposed to be a menacing villain? Crispin Glover? REALLY?

Also, have to say, this was really Mad Hatter in Wonderland when you get down to it. That little dance number at the end of the fight, Johnny Depp? What were you thinking?

The plot reminded me of some of the most annoying quests that I’ve ever had to run in an MMORPG, back and forth across the map over the same territory, just in the hope of building up to an interesting boss fight at the end. This fight, though, doesn’t deliver. It really needed too, however. When you’re trying to sell me on Alice and the prophecy that she must slay the Jabberwocky, you better close the deal. This Jabberwocky proved to be nothing more than a standard-issue black dragon.

Tim Burton, I beg of you: Go back to making your own stories in your own worlds.

Short Attention Span Review: “The Book of Eli”

February 1, 2010 4 comments

When the world thawed out enough after the snowpocalypse for us to take the Juicebox through the slushy wastelands of Cary this past weekend, I finally got to go see The Book of Eli.

I’ve got some things to say about the movie. If you haven’t seen it and don’t want to be spoiled, do not read any further.

Seriously. Turn back.

Turn back NOW.

Read more…