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Wessed Up History – 7/6/2010

July 7, 2010 Leave a comment

* June 21, 1965: Filmmaker Larry Wachowski is born in bullet time and tries to pass it off as an original, never-seen-before event.
* June 22, 1949: Meryl Streep pops out of the womb to accept her first Oscar-shaped pacifier for Best Fetus in a Supporting Role.
* June 23, 1927: Infant Bob Fosse dances across the maternity ward with sideways shuffling and jazz hands.
* June 24: Manila Day! Is your folder suit freshly pressed?
* June 25, 1678: Elena Cornaro Piscopia is first woman to get doctorate of philosophy. Not the last such degree holder to remain unemployed.
* June 26, 1927: Cyclone rollercoaster opens on Coney Island. Umbrella sales skyrocket.
* June 27, 1966: J.J. Abrams pops out of a big red ball.
* June 28, 1997: Mike Tyson mistakes Evander Holyfield’s ear for a strip of beef jerky.
* June 29, 1920: A colorful clay Ray Harryhausen enters the maternity ward one frame at a time.
* June 30, 1985: Doctors inform Mrs. Phelps that she gave birth to a bouncing baby dolphin.
* July 1, 1908: Telegraph operators adopt SOS as distress code, replacing less respectful LOL.
* July 2, 1999: Mario Puzo gets that final offer no one can refuse.
* July 3, 1866: Danish painter Albert Gottschalk is born. It’s never quite understood why he chose breakfast pastry as a canvas.
* July 4, 1883: A hammer falls, hits lever that drops ball down steel rail, which leads to cup that dumps Rube Goldberg in maternity ward.
* July 5, 1958: A disc-shaped craft crash lands in the maternity ward. From it pops Bill Watterson and a stuffed tiger.
* July 6, 1975: A future rapper is born. The infant is known as 2 Cent at the time.

Wessed Up History – 6/20/2010

June 22, 2010 Leave a comment

* June 7, 1905: Norway’s parliament dissolves union with Sweden via message that reads “You can’t a-fjord us.”
* June 8, 1933: Joan Rivers is born. Likes the snipping of the umbilical so much that she gets surgeries every day for the rest of her life.
* June 9, 1939: Dicky V’s lobbed from the womb, shouting, “Dipsy-doo dunkeroo diddle dop slam-jam-bam, pudding-pop baby!” through the net.
* June 10, 1959: Eliot Spitzer’s born late – delayed by a couple of pre-birth hookers.
* June 11, 1999: DeForrest Kelley proclaims, “He’s dead, Jim,” while waving a tricorder at himself. Then says: “I’m outta this Vulcan place.”
* June 12, 1916: An earthquake shakes the burning maternity ward as Irwin Allen rides an out-of-control jet from the womb.
* June 13, 1805: Lewis and Clark expedition discovers first Burma Shave signs along river leading to the Great Falls.
* June 14, 1938: Superman introduced in Action Comics. 1 month later: Killed. 1 more month: Lesbian. Month after that: Reborn as rich playboy.
* June 15, 1667: The first human blood transfusion is administered with a rope, catapult, and beer bong.
* June 16, 1962: Arnold Vosloo is born in mummified form, wrapped in swaddling, stuck in a sarcophagus, and left to terrify future audiences.
* June 17, 1885: Statue of Liberty arrives in New York with 2 torches, 2 tablets, and a spare tiara. Gets mugged.
* June 18, 1815: Swedish supergroup ABBA defeats Napoleon Bonaparte in Battle of the Bands with “Waterloo.”
* June 19, 1919: Movie critic Pauline Kael is born. Praises gritty realism of cinematography, but finds costumes unoriginal and uninspired.
* June 20, 1946: Bob Vila adds on a deck, fireplace, and a cupola before emerging from the womb into the maternity ward.

Wessed Up History – 5/24/2010

June 12, 2010 Leave a comment

* May 24, 1938: A puff of pot smoke and a craving for snacks in the maternity ward precedes the arrival of Tommy Chong into the world.
* May 25, 1889: Igor Sikorsky whirlibirds out of the womb and settles onto a helipad in the middle of the maternity ward.
* May 26, 1913: “Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you…WHEEEE!” Peter Cushing slides into maternity ward, smacks laser button.
* May 27, 1895: Oscar Wilde sent to prison on charges of sodomy. Because prison’s the perfect place to avoid sodomy.
* May 28, 1908: Author Ian Fleming is shaken (not stirred) from a gun-barrel into a maternity ward, wearing a tux and sporting a Walther PPK.
* May 29, 1957: Infant Ted Levine pops out of the womb with a bottle of lotion, a basket, and a hose. Doctors wonder: Boy? Girl? Psycho?!
* May 30, 1859: Sir Norridge Winthrop-Pale’s nap – after 3 months of insomnia – interrupted by first ringing of London’s Big Ben.
* May 31, 1930: Clint Eastwood glares at Mom: “I know what you’re thinking. Just one or twins? Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
* June 1, 1937: The authoritative voice of Morgan Freeman booms from womb as he’s born, persuading medics (and Mom) to sign up for Visa cards.
* June 2, 1948: “Look!” proclaims a maternity doctor as Jerry Mathers is born. “It’s the Beaver!” Nurses never stop slapping him.
* June 3, 1929: Game show host Chuck Barris pops from the womb to find his mom wearing a bag over her head while a nurse whacks a gong.
* June 4, 1975: Angelina Jolie is born and immediately tries to adopt herself, as well as other infants in the maternity ward.
* June 5, 1493: Justus Jonas, German Protestant reformer and little known “Fourth Jonas Brother,” is born.
* June 6, 1947: Five clawed fingers snikt on a bedpan as baby Robert Englund pulls his stripey-sweatered infant self into the world.

Wessed Up History – 5/23/2010

May 24, 2010 Leave a comment

More catching up to do! Man, I’ve been bad at this lately:

* May 3: Adherents of Discordianism celebrate Disco…Discoflux. Try your lux! Don’t be a clux! Disco…Discoflux.
* May 4, 1910: Royal Canadian Navy off to inauspicious start with failed launch of “pontoon moose.”
* May 5, 1921: After failed efforts with perfume that smells like steak, wet dog, frog spit, and hot feet, Coco Chanel scores with No. 5.
* May 6, 1940: John Steinbeck wins Pulitzer Prize for “The Grapes of Wrath.” Disappointed not to win top Napa Valley wine prize, though.
* May 7, 1962: USSR announces it shot down U2. Demands that Ireland take back Bono AT ONCE. “He just won’t shut up,” Kruschev complains.
* May 8, 1940: Infant Peter Benchley spends 9 mos. going “bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum” until mom fishes him out with tongs and a snorkle.
* May 9, 1874: Archaeologist Howard Carter is born and wrapped in swaddling clothes. Looks into mother’s eyes and says: “Mummy!”
* May 10, 1999: Shel Silverstein finds out what’s beyond the end of the sidewalk. We’re still waiting on the book.
* May 11, 1997: Supercomputer Deep Blue defeats chess master Garry Kasparov, who pioneers use of the term “HAXXORZ!” to protest the loss.
* May 12, 1950: Baby Bruce Boxleitner zooms around the maternity ward on a light cycle while singing “The Gambler.”
* May 13, 1880: After finding the world’s longest extension cord, Thomas Edison conducts the first test of an electric railway.
* May 14, 1971: Director/actress Sofia Coppola is born to a family she can’t refuse. Her acting ability, on the other hand, is stillborn.
* May 15, 1718: London lawyer James Puckle patents world’s first machine gun, which he calls “The Closing Argument.” (Tweet No. 7,000!)
* May 16, 1955: A white-uniformed man cradles Debra Winger as he carries her triumphantly from womb to the cheering of maternity ward nurses.
* May 17, 1955: “PREGNANCY OVER, MAN!” proclaims baby Bill Paxton as he pops from the womb to a maternity ward full of acid-drooling aliens.
* May 18, 1910: Earth passes through tail of Halley’s Comet, sparking the first zombie apocalypse and cowboy rodeo!
* May 19, 1944: With a raucous Wookiee roar, actor Peter Mayhew is born. He rips the arms off a couple of attending doctors on the way out.
* May 20, 1896: Six-ton chandelier at Palais Garnier falls on crowd. Phantom later tweets: “LOL, IT IS 2 B WARZORZ!”
* May 21, 1937: A Soviet station becomes first outpost on Arctic Ocean drift ice. It’s eventually the Russia that Sarah Palin can see.
* May 22, 1910: A nurse yells into the womb – “Johnny Olson, COME ON DOWN! You’re the next contestant on The Price is Right!”
* May 23, 1934: Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow learn the true meaning of “road rage.”

Wessed Up History – 5/2/2010

* April 26, 1787: Alfred Krupp explodes from mouth of cannon; lands in doctor’s arms. Upon slap says: “I have an idea…” Mother mortified.
* April 27, 1951: A big-haired baby is born in the Bronx with whiteface and silver eye makeup. Mama Frehley thinks “Ace” fits just fine.
* April 28, 1789: “It’s not you, it’s me. Well. No. It’s you. Arr!” Captain Bligh and cohorts kicked off the Bounty by mutineers.
* April 29, 1954: Spotlight shines on baby Jerry Seinfeld who asks doc, “What is the deal with those cold metal tongs you people use?”
* April 30, 1492: Christopher Columbus receives exploration commission from Spain, but gripes about lack of GPS equipment for his fleet.
* May 1, 1931: Empire State Building opens. First tenant listed: K. Kong Window Cleaning Service.
* May 2, 1536: Anne Boleyn jailed for adultery, incest, treason, and witchcraft. Head-chopping doesn’t come until the video evidence on TMZ.

Wessed Up History – 4/26/2010

April 28, 2010 Leave a comment

Fell behind on posting these. Time to catch up:

* April 12, 1633: Inquisition sends Galileo a Farmville request. Failure to respond gets him arrest for life – Farmville is serious business.
* April 13, 1950: Infant Ron Perlman gets smacked on the bottom and then rasps at the doctor – “Womb…womb never changes.”
* April 14, 2007: Singer Don Ho pops his last tiny bubble.
* April 15, 1755: Samuel Johnson’s “Dictionary of the English Language” is published. Too late, printers notice it’s in Esperanto.
* April 16, 1780: Founding of the University of Munster. Grampa is headmaster. Lily teaches English. Herman kills all plants in the garden.
* April 17, 1397: Chaucer’s first telling of Canterbury Tales. King says time-traveling doctor “ludicrous beyond measure.” Demands rewrite.
* April 18, 1906: Article in L.A. Times starts worldwide Pentecostal movement. Penny Saver blurb about Scientology goes ignored for decades.
* April 19, 1949: Lawn chair pilot Larry Walters emerges balloons-first. Floats around for several minutes before doctors can catch and slap.
* April 20, 1653: Oliver Cromwell dissolves the Rump Parliament. He doesn’t do anything about the Milkshake Congress.
* April 21, 1970: Citing lack of tentacle-head dancers, Hutt River Province Principality secedes from Australia.
* April 22: Earth Day. Planet takes day off. We’re on our own for air and gravity until it gets back from Cabo.
* April 23, 1635: The first public school opens in Boston. One week later, musket detectors are added near the front door.
* April 24, 1800: Disappointed to learn Kama Sutra taken, government creates Library of Congress instead.
* April 25, 1953: Typo in report by Francis Crick and James Watson leads to description of “Double-Stuf” Helix and the First Oreo theory.

Wessed Up History – 4/12/2010

April 15, 2010 1 comment

* April 5, 1926: A cheap foam mutant plant prop spews a wailing toddler into the waiting arms of a ketchup-soaked nurse. Roger Corman is born.
* April 6, 1808: John Jacob Astor forms the American Fur Company. Followed within weeks by first Furry roleplaying clan in the wilderness.
* April 7, 1795: The French go metric, adopting the meter as an official unit of measurement. AND SO THE CAPITULATIONS BEGIN.
* April 8, 1960: An orange Charger arcs toward ceiling of the maternity ward as baby John Schneider honks “Dixie” and woo-hoos in his diaper.
* April 9, 1860: The oldest audible human voice recording is made, uttering the words: “WOOT! DING!”
* April 10, 1912: Luxury liner Titanic departs Southampton. SPOILER: Leo DeCaprio DIES, but Celine Dion’s heart will go on.
* April 11, 1970: Apollo 13 launches, unexpectedly expanding the fun of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.