Home > Out and About, Social Networking > The Road to World Conquest: Shoe ’nuff

The Road to World Conquest: Shoe ’nuff

My feet hurt.

I don’t even have to be doing much. Just sitting at my desk at work for a while, then I get up and the right side of my right foot just…hurts. Then there are those moments when I really try to exert myself, working out on the treadmill at the Y. Can’t do it. I can’t even run. How am I ever going to survive the coming zombie apocalypse if I can’t *run*?

I’ve told myself to “just live with it” and “play through the pain” for the past six months. Really, that was the lack of insurance talking.

So, today I went to see a podiatrist. It’s my first time at a foot doctor. As I sat in the front office, filling out paperwork, it occurred to me that I’ve really never had a serious limb injury. I’ve been sick – nearly killed myself with pneumonia when I was in college. I’ve stepped on nails. Suffered a hernia. But I’ve never broken an arm, leg, or prehensile tail. Now, though, it occurred to me that maybe I had fractured a bone in my right foot somehow. Maybe smashing it up against a hard piece of living room furniture. Except my living room furniture comes from Big Lots or Wal-Mart, and when I kick it, it cries in agony and falls over.

The doctor spent several minutes groping my foot in a manner that seemed suspiciously to me like a pedicure, until she found the sore spots, and then it was more like a massage. Her assistant made me slap on some brown paper slippers – little grocery bags for feet. Note for the next inevitable Saw movie: Severed feet in little brown shopping bags, after Jigsaw asks “Paper or plastic?” Then I was walked…well, shuffled, because that floor was slippery and the paper slippers were smooth…across the hall to the closet that served as the X-ray chamber. Here, my right foot was subjected to several irradiated mug shots. I shuffled back across to the exam room.

A few minutes later, the doctor came in, slapped the X-ray images up on the light wall, and proclaimed “OHMYGOD, YOU’VE GOT AN INGROWN *TOE*” and pointed at a sinister-looking shape in the middle of the image.

Well, that’s how I imagined it.

What really happened is that she told me that I didn’t have any broken bones. Instead, I’ve apparently got these nerves running the length of my foot, routed in a channel between the bones. The bones are pretty close together, though. My feet, which are flat and tend to roll outward, apparently cause the bones to squeeze those nerves, like a couple of low-brow thugs muscling in on a bookish nerd. That leads to inflammation, which leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to wishing Han was gutting a Gungan in Empire instead of a tauntaun.

So, for the good of the Old Republic, the doctor recommended custom orthotics to make my rebel scum feet walk the straight and narrow.

For the next fifteen minutes, I underwent a process of having my feet wrapped in plaster-soaked gauze. Once the plaster set, the casts were removed so that they could be used to model the new orthotics, which should be available in a few weeks. Then her assistant used a warm rag to wash the plaster off my feet. This seemed unnecessarily messianic and I almost tried to snatch the rag from his hand so I could do it myself, but then I thought: If I’m spending $300 on orthotic foot gear, I might as well enjoy this brief spa day. I demanded a fluffy white robe, a cucumber-avocado mask, a copy of Cosmo, and a mimosa.

Sadly, they could only provide a November 2010 copy of People, which mused about a possible relationship between Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhall. It may seem cruel to say so, and I hate to ruin anyone’s fantasies, but I fear that without makeup, Taylor probably looks like Gollum or the Borg Queen.

You’re welcome.

    June 1, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Yes, it is cruel and just shut up. I’ve seen her without makeup, and keep your mindless opinions to yourself. She is really pretty so I DON’T LIKE YOU!!

  2. June 1, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Anonymous
    March 25, 2012 at 11:27 am

    trust me u r right, she is sooo fucking ugly, i feel sorry for who ever will ever date her, or get married on her, probably on their first night when she washes oh her makeup, all you can see is this damn ugly face. Obviously she doesnt look like gollum, but she is closed to it!

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