Home > Movies > The Happening: Mark Wahlberg – Plant Whisperer

The Happening: Mark Wahlberg – Plant Whisperer

In 2008, I successfully avoided all showings of M. Night Shamalyan’s homicidal vegetation epic, “The Happening.”

Tonight, my luck ran out. Unable to get Time-Warner Cable to cooperate and show me On Demand broadcasts of “Caprica” or “Mad Men,” I steeled myself for what was airing live on HBO.

It should at least be good for a laugh, I told myself.

No. Look at poor Zooey Deschanel’s face in the picture here. That look? That was pretty much on my face the whole time. When John Leguizamo makes the totally random and clearly suicidal choice to head off to Princeton, abandoning his daughter? Yeah, I had that look. When Mark Wahlberg spends about three minutes standing in a field listening to gunshots, I’m sitting there yelling, “RUN!” Eventually, he gets this idea that maybe they should…”RUN!” When Mark decides to have a soothing conversation with a fake plant, I’m yelling, “RUN!” When Mark is watching people let themselves get run over by giant lawnmowers, I’m yelling, “RUN!” When Mark and the kids are on the porch of Camp Crazy Gun Nuts and two of the kids get gunned down, I’m yelling, “RUN!”

Mark mostly just stands still and looks pole-axed. I should cut him some slack, maybe. He IS a Philadelphia public school teacher.

The capper for me in the whole experience had to be the absolutely ridiculous choice that Mark made in the end to meet Zooey and the little girl out in the middle of Death Spore Central.

Plants don’t kill people. Stupid people in stupid plots kill people. And sometimes the stupid get lucky, survive, and procreate.

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