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Steal My Identity!

The big bogeyman about social networking is the threat of identity theft. If you’re not careful, folks warn, you’ll suddenly find that your personal information is being used for someone else’s profit.

It’s a real concern, but that doesn’t mean I can’t mock it.

If someone wants to steal my identity, I’m almost okay with letting them have it. Let them pay my credit card bills. Pay the rent! They can handle the utilities, cable, and trash collection while they’re at it too.

The trick is, the thief needs to know which identity to steal. I’ve assumed dozens of identities over the past decade. So, I’m going to share all the little things that people might need to know if they want to take over the identity of Wes Platt:

* My mother’s maiden name is Zyfkawicz.

* I was hatched in a chicken coop in Boggy Creek, Florida.

* I’m a Scientologist.

* I like defenestrating journalists.

* I’ve got a deep-seated fear of pork rinds.

* Beets? Can’t get enough of them.

* My favorite color is burnt umber.

* Usually, I include the phrase “Jesus H. Christ” at the beginning of every sentence when I’m getting mad.

* I’m 4 and a half feet tall without my platform jeans.

* I served four years at Stargate Command.

* My birth name was Alexander Graham Zyfkawicz-Fooshnagle. I changed it to Wes Platt in 1978 because I thought it sounded more exotic.

* The only password I ever use is THX1138.

* I’ve got one leg and I tool around on a hoverbike.

* Don’t tell my dentist, but my teeth are also tentacles.

* I often refer to myself in third-person when I talk.

* Gnomes freak me out.

* I’ve only got one hand, but the other’s been replaced by an awesome electrified trident.

* One of my nipples is shaped like the head of Ernest Borgnine. You’ve got a 1-in-5 chance of guessing which it is.

I wish you all the best of luck in being me.

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  1. August 13, 2010 at 4:19 am

    Nice stuff, thanks for sharing.

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