Wessed Up History – 3/29/2010

* March 22, 1948: In a cloud of glitter and rainbows, wearing a phantom mask and a multicolored coat, Andrew Lloyd Weber is born.
* March 23, 1806: Lewis and Martin’s Corps of Discovery decides to head home after three drunken weeks in Las Vegas. Inexplicably, Lewis keeps yelling “HEY NICE LADY!” at Sacajawea.
* March 24, 1970: Actress Lara Flynn Boyle is born. At birth, she weighs more than she does as an adult.
*  March 25: It’s Vårfrudagen or Våffeldagen, also known as “Waffle Day,” in Sweden. ZOMG WAFLZ!
* March 26, 1874: Poet Robert Frost takes the birth canal less traveled – and that makes all the difference.
* March 27, 1845: Wilhelm Conrad Roentgen is born in a burst of X-rays from within a vacuum-sealed tube. Doctors, sadly, forgot to wear their lead-lined pants.
* March 28, 1905: Marlan Perkins travels downstream to set up base camp in the maternity ward while Jim Fowler wrestles womb crocodiles.

Wessed Up History Week in Review: 1/18/2010

* Jan. 11, 1878: Tired of losing so much milk carried in cupped hands, someone gets bright idea to use bottles instead.
* Jan. 12, 1915: An act of Congress forms Rocky Mountain National Park. Before that, it was a Wal-Mart Superdupercenter.
* Jan. 13, 1942: German test pilot first uses aircraft ejection seat. Simultaneously credited as debut of the Slinky.
* Jan. 14, 1875: Albert Schweitzer is born. Before that, people sarcastically said “Yeah, you’re a real John Rudolf Thorbecke.” This change is welcomed.
* Jan. 15, 1892: James Naismith publishes rules of basketball. Original ball: Hobo skull. Original basket: Hollowed elephant leg.
* Jan. 16, 1935: Baby racer A.J. Foyt VROOOOOMS! from the womb after nine months circling in an oval.
* Jan. 17, 1773: Captain James Cook sails below the Antarctic Circle, realizing too late that he didn’t pack a warm jacket or mittens. Dies saving Rose from the icy water.

Wessed Up History: Week in Review – 1/11/2010

* Jan. 4, 1854: Explorers find McDonald Islands. Native girls introduced to original “Big Mac,” but are left unsatisfied. More bun than meat!
* Jan. 5, 1959: The Kurgan bursts from mom’s womb, Highlander sword crackling with electricity, and decapitates doctor for slapping rump.
* Jan. 6, 1838: Samuel Morse successfully tests telegraph. Upgrade from standing on roof, yelling “DOT-DOT-DOT! DASH-DASH-DASH!” at neighbors.
* Jan. 7, 1950: Actress Erin Gray is born, ensuring future for spandex. Causes men of the 1970s reason to say Bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee a lot.
* Jan. 8, 1835: The United States has zero debt. Gets credit cards, runs up balances, hits debtor’s prison, and speaks Chinese by 2025.
* Jan. 9, 1913: Infant G. Gordon Liddy invades womb to steal baby Richard M. Nixon for the RNC. Baby Nixon erases nanny cam footage.
* Jan. 10, 49 BC: Why did the Roman cross the Rubicon River? To seize power, make himself emperor, and become a salad.

Wessed Up History: Week in Review 1/4

* Dec. 28, 1922: Masked baby pops out of womb. First word after fanny slap: “EXCELSIOR!” Stan Lee even had the mustache back then.

* Dec. 29, 1947: Actor Ted Danson is born. His current hair, on the other hand, was shaved from a test tube chinchilla last week.

* Dec. 30, 1957: Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Mom’s womb, packing to leave. Awkwardly enough, so’s Al Roker.

* Dec. 31, 1960: UK stops using farthing coin as legal tender because bankers claim “nearthings” are cooler.

* Jan. 1, 1908: Tradition begins when New Yorkers drop a wrecking ball on a Times Square cab driver. Squire Larry King narrates.

* Jan. 2, 1860: Parisian scientists announce discovery of planet Vulcan. Spend rest of year practicing finger-splaying salute techniques.

* Jan. 3, 1924: Explorer Howard Carter pops open an Egyptian sarcophagus to find Abe Vigoda stashed neatly inside.